But, wait. Where else will I be able to write unabashedly about my children and espouse completely unsolicited and incredible parenting advice? Let's bring this thing back. Let's bring it all back. Like parents on new year's eve, we may have fallen asleep at 10:30 with some half-drunk Moscato on our bedside tables (which you'll regret in the morning when the kid knocks it over at 3 AM when he's trying to climb into bed with you), but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to make it to midnight next year.
Let's forge onward, future shuffleboard champs of the nursing home.
I figured I'd start this year off with some general stuff I felt like I've gleaned from some 3+ years with the boy (and the 17 months I've had with two of the munchkins). Maybe it'd be useful for new parents? Aspiring parents? Maybe it'd even be a fun read for grandparents and people with no intention of ever having kids (those monsters).
Lesson 1: It's OK to Not Have to Be On Call
Remember when you went to marriage counseling before your wedding or had a heart-to-heart talk with your partner before you moved in together, or just shared that pizza and had to decide who would pay? Whatever the level of communication you have with the other person who is sharing this child's upbringing, you both have to be OK with sometimes saying to the other: "You take this."
When the baby's new, you're both on call. That's fine. But as the little bud starts to grow, work out what works for you two. Moms feel this more than dads, I think, so help that new mom out. You feel guilty when you're not there with the kid. You feel guilty when you dump it on your partner. Then you feel guilty for thinking of time with your kid as "dumping." Try to throw all that out. It takes time, attention, and patience to be the parent on-call. Make sure you take turns and when you're not on-call, try to relax.
Lesson 2: When You're Being There, Be There
It's really easy for me to pull out my phone and zone out everything but the most egregious emergencies that come up when I'm supposed to be looking after the kids. Of course, different ages require different amounts of attention - immobile babies are usually fine if they're not fussing, toddlers are dangerous every moment of every day, and preschoolers can play on their own just fine for extended periods of time. But if you're responsible for looking after your kids, go ahead and take the time to engage with them, too.
It's hard! I know. Kids are often uninterested in doing what you want. Instead of stacking those blocks, they just want to knock them down, cry about how they're knocked down now, and then grab your favorite shirt and pull really hard so they stretch the neck hole.
Still, some of the best moments are those rare breaks in time when you and your child actually communicate in some sublime way before they can talk, or they say something absurdly wise for their age once they can talk. And that only happens if you aren't letting them do whatever they want while you finish one more go at Temple Run.
Lesson 3: It's Just Poop
I've always been OK with poop to some degree, but for people that aren't: become OK with poop or be ready for some hard times. Babies get poop all over themselves. Not on purpose! Well, maybe on purpose, sometimes.
You'll have to be OK with wiping poop off of tiny genitalia, wiping poop off of furniture, washing poop off your clothes, and at least one garbage can or diaper pail in or around your home smelling off poop constantly.
And really, at the end of the day, it's just poop. If your kid isn't sick and you don't eat it, it won't harm you.
Lesson 4: Sometimes, You Want to Throttle Your Kid
Because they're unreasonable illogical humans who you want to be the best version of you but, when upset or sad or tired or if it's too cloudy, turn into the base animal version of yourself that you shamefully know exists inside you but can never let out.
The good news is, if you don't actually physically throttle them, you're doing just fine.
Lesson 5: No One Else Knows Better
I know I'm telling you this, which makes it a paradox, but here's the deal. No one else, aside from your partner, spends all day and all night with these kids. No one else knows better than you what you're doing or how your kid reacts to stuff or what you went through as a child or any of that. Those people that give you the stink eye in the grocery store or restaurant? They would totally derp it up. They probably will when they have children. Unless they're really old, in which case they either never will or had kids at a different time and know nothing about trying to parent in an age of technology and Buzzfeed telling you all the ways you're doing it wrong.
You know what you're doing. Well, no, that's not the lesson. No one else knows any better. We're all in this together as parents, but we're also all in this alone because all our children are different. We're all derpers, and we're all heroes.
Happy new year.
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